Well, believe it.
For years, I’ve struggled with feeling undervalued. Very few people I interact with regularly knew me before my days consisted mostly of wiping behinds and watching Blue’s Clues. So, I try not to hold a grudge when someone dismisses my opinion, or, even worse, doesn’t even care to ask for my opinion on some sort of an intellectual issue. After all, I am not very well-spoken (never have been), I tend to make jokes (A LOT) and, chances are, if you engage me in conversation for any length of time, I’ll end up mentioning diapers or lipgloss before it’s over. The thing is that I know I’m smart. And I know I have intelligent thoughts on things other than Lego blocks and Glee. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve left church or dinner with friends and said to my husband “______ thinks I’m shallow.” But I knew I wasn’t.
Or was I?
3Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.
18“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20The one who received the seed that fell on rocky places is the man who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21But since he has no root, he lasts only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, he quickly falls away. (Matthew 13: 3-6, 18-21, NIV)
I, my friends, am that shallow, rocky soil. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself because I have these two kids that consume me in every way imaginable. And, while I have been thankful for them everyday, I have been mired in my own inadequacies and have become too shallow for anything fruitful to take root in me. I have lost focus. It’s not unusual. It’s expected, actually. You have kids, they become the center of your world. You lose yourself a little, then you get in a rhthym and it all comes back together. You are no longer the you you were before marriage and kids, you are an enhanced you. A better you. What no one told me (or I was too busy wrapped up in how hard this whole wife/mom thing is to really hear) is that the rythym doesn’t come on its own. You have to go get it. You have to fight tooth and nail until you claim it as your own. You have to earn it.
It’s not for the lazy. It’s not for the navel-gazer. It’s not for the shallow. It’s not for the martyr. It’s for the determined.
I am determined.
So, if you think you’ve sensed a different tone around the blog, you have. I am pretty sure I’ll still feel compelled to go on and on about lotion or inundate you with Christmas picture outtakes. It’s just that this blog is a tiny window into my heart. And my heart’s changing a little. I’m digging a little deeper.
Tilling the soil, if you will.
I heart you and this hardly shallow, completely honest blog. Who doesn’t love to talk lip gloss btw? You go girlie.
Love this post. I try and strike a balance between deep and shallow too, but it all depends where I am at and too often I am quite shallow soil as well.
Love this!!! I am totally with you. Some days I feel like I’m doing ok and then other days I feel super selfish, shallow & everything else in the book!!
You know what though, to me it’s always seemed that growth is two steps forward, one step back. And that without identifying the things we can improve on – we’re stagnant.
But still, I really love lip gloss.
I am so glad you are ready to be Brandi again! The new and improved as I always say. Its not enough to just be the mom and the wife, you have to be the woman too. Good for you!
Exciting, girl!
Steph
Way to go!
And I personally think you are smart, funny, and one of the most entertaining people to spend time with
So when are we going to see each other again
I need to make a road trip and we need to have lunch
Much love
bring it, girl!
Great post! Someone that writes a post like that is not shallow at all. But I too am in a season of digging deeper. I am excited about it.
really can’t wait brandi! i think it’s so hard, this season of being a mom. it’s a place god has called us, but it can be so hard to cultivate the time it takes to do anything that doesn’t require us taking care of little people. i’m excited for you & to see the latest, updated version of you – brandi 2.0
This is beautiful and perfect. I love it and really needed to read it today. Thanks lady!
Beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!
What a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing it – I needed the encouragement and exhortation today!!
Great post….loved it
Dig sister!!!
I’m so glad BooMama sent me over here to read this.
Great post! You have spoken the words that so many stay at home moms feel. Being a mom is such a wonderful thing, rewarding in so many ways, but it is so all consuming, we can lose ourselves in it. Good for you for digging deeper!
So, so wise. I remember, very vividly, feeling this way when my girls were tiny. Or was it last week?
Yes, I’m here to tell you that those time of being “off focus” crop up again and again at different times in life. I’ve come to the decision that God allows it to make sure we don’t ever stop returning to the Soil and digging in a little deeper.
I heart you, sweet Brandi. I surely do.
I love this post. So honest and open. Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s what alot of us moms struggle with daily. I feel alot of what you expressed as well. I know I’m smart too and have intelligent thoughts but its hard for me to find the words to talk about them or write about them. So I tend to talk and write on the surface because it’s easier.
So glad you posted this!
Great words for another mama to read today. Thanks.
As a mom with an empty nest, I well remember feeling as you do right now. Your own self is lost somewhat in the “daily”. As time goes by, the real you, the changed you, becomes more evident and noticeable. I still long for those days of lostness, because they represent my precious time with my kids. I’m having fun finding myself right now, but it’s really hard. Old friends have moved, and the friends I had from baseball, soccer and school are no longer in my daily life. I believe you are always looking for your true self, as God molds you and you grow in Him. Enjoy your time, and God bless each season of life.
Brandi — for the record, I never thought you 234 shallow. I do remember feeling the way you do when my girls were little.
I love that you’re digging deeper — it’s something we all need to do!
Thanks for your honesty…so refreshing!
Brandi, this is my first time reading your posts. I want to tell you it as far from shallow as you can get. You’ve examined your heart and determined it’s time to go deeper and I believe the Lord will meet you there.